Sunday, September 30, 2007

Animal Facility Manager

OK, so let's say you're job hunting out here. An Animal Facility Manager--sounds great! Who doesn't love animals, right?


We have an immediate opening within our Biology & Pharmacology Department for an Animal Facility Manager with the talents and interests listed below.

Both talents and interests, huh? Let's see whatcha got!
1. Oversees the activities of the animal care facility.

Great, no problem there!
2. Performs various technical procedures, e.g., bleeding, surgery, autopsies and inoculations biopsies.

Oh, it's that kind of animal facility. Let's skip ahead, shall we?
7. Is prepared to go beyond the usual work schedule to accomplish critical tasks.

Does that mean you've gotta bleed 'em on overtime?
8. The Animal Facility will use controlled substances (anesthesia and euthanasia) under DEA registration to the manager. It is expected that the manager have no state or federal criminal convictions in connection with controlled substances and has not had a federal controlled substance registration revoked, suspended, restricted or denied.

Yikes! They're not kidding around here! Bleeding, autopsies, controlled substances... Must be a pretty hard-core place, right?
We also have great people, ample resources and a serious, but fun working environment.

And how!

Sunday, September 16, 2007


This wonderful little book is "Little Black Sambo," published by the Whitman Company in MCML (that's 1950, I think). Illustrations are by Suzanne. The book is in pretty good shape; the inside is really nice, not colored in or written in, but the spine is a little frowzy and there's a little bit of paper loss on the back cover. The best part is the insides; the pages are bright and really nice.

Let's reiterate something about Craigslist: People e-mail you or call you, they come to your house to pick the stuff up. It's very, very public and very, very private all at the same time. And, knowing this, you willingly decide to sell your copy of, ahem, "Little Black Sambo"?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Located in one of the most sought-after neighborhoods in Portola Valley, this beautiful 5 bedroom, 3-1/2 bath house is not just an executive home; its a lifestyle. With its lush grounds, swimming pool/spa, putting green complete with sand trap, playhouse, surround sound media room, you will never want to leave home.

Look no further than an eight thousand dollar rental home to really remind you just where you are. Is someone in need of a home that costs more to rent for a month than I make in four really looking on Craigslist? I suppose so, since it's not the only high-bracket home for rent. In case you were wondering what to do with your pooch, the ad very helpfully says:
Owner will consider a dog

For just shy of a hundred thousand dollars a year, it seems like the owner should consider fellating your dog, if that seals the deal on this rental property.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Free liquor!

Today two different ads came up giving away free liquor. First:
Long story-

My just-out-of-college former roommate bought a 12 pack of various flavors of Smirnoff Ice for a housewarming party at our place. His said "Girls might want to drink it." Note that I'm a girl, 28, and I hate alcopops. And all my friends, male and female, hate them. Needless to say they were not consumed at the party.

These fruity nightmares hung around my house for months, even after my roomie moved out. I was never once tempted to drink them. I brought them into work. Even though I work with a few lightweight engineers, even THEY won't drink them. I'm still stuck with the sickly-sweet dozen.

Someone please free me of these monstrosities. I won't judge you, except I fear that if I'm giving away alcohol, I'm obliged to check ID. Please come to our office, provide me with an unfaked ID showing your real birthdate before September 1986, and these babies are yours.

...Jesus, I feel old - September 1986??

And then, later in the day, this one:
I have three boxes (about 45 bottles) of random hard liquor that I'm not going to drink. I don't want to sell it, I just want it to be enjoyed by someone.

I had a lark to build up a large home bar, but as I learned more about what I like to mix and drink I realized my terrible mistake. The Aviation is an excellent drink. Gorilla Snot #2 isn't. That half gallon of Goldschalger? Not such a good idea. It does make a nice sno-globe. Blue curacao would be great if I liked Blue Hawaiians, but I don't. You get the idea.

I'd like to get rid of it soon and you must agree to take all of it. I'm right next to Stanford. You will have to pick it up, obviously. You also should not be a minor. I don't care how you plan to convince your Mom to drive you over; little tikes will need to figure another way to stunt their growth. When I was a young boy I had to get my liquor the old-fashioned way: by paying double the retail price to my shady friend's cousin.

Students be given preference as I was in college when I acquired most of this stuff. Tell me why you are most deserving of this motley assortment of booze and it's yours. If words are not your strong suit, feel free to send a picture of your last good party as a testament to the many thirsty people you know. If you send me a cock shot, by god are you not getting any free liquor.

Do these people not have drains like everyone else? It seems that the free lists out here basically function as a giant communal trash receptacle.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

80' Pine Trees

3 80' Pine Trees You remove At your own Risk

I'm not quite sure what to make of this ad. Eighty foot pine trees?? Goddamn right remove at your own risk. You'd need a flatbed to get them out of there, not to mention a crane to remove them intact. And really, you want to just give this away on Craigslist? What if some dude with a chainsaw comes wandering by and half the tree ends up on your roof? Or in your house? Just take the hit and have them removed professionally.

Monday, September 3, 2007

2007 Airstream 16' Bambi International CCD - $40000

Just bought a 16' Airstream for vacationing with the family. We have only used it once and realize that it is too small for us. We purchased this 2 months ago and it still has the factory warranty. We replaced the 15" LCD with a 19" HiDef panel.

Note to self: When buying a $60,000 mobile home, make sure that the family fits inside it before walking off the lot.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

High End Garage Sale

Designer labels include Coach, Prada, Roberto Cavalli, Michael Kors, ABS by Allen Schwartz, Laundry by Shelli Segal, Ralph Lauren black label, Kaminski, Eric Javits, and more. All ladies clothes are 8 to 10, a few 12's, but mostly 10's, 42 to 46 European. Shoes are 8 1/2 to 9. Men's clothes are 2XLT, and shoes are 14. Other great gear includes some camping equipment, household items we received as wedding gifts and did not use (martini shakers, glasses, etc.) high end jewelry, much of it vintage, candles, and other miscellaneous items. Neighbors are contributing their excess items which include sailing gear, high tech toys, blankets, linens, and more.

This was one of about five garage sales this weekend that billed themselves as being "high end," which leads me to believe that they don't teach the concept of garage sales in the private schools around here. My favorite detail here is that the neighbors are also contributing their "excess items." How quaint. Oh wait.

Massage for Laptop?

Hi there, I'm a sexy female looking to exchange a very nice massage for a laptop computer. Must be Pentium 4 or better. Need ASAP.

I actually clicked on this ad completely innocently, expecting a masseuse to trade some sessions of massage for a laptop (we're looking to get rid of one, maybe). But that's not exactly what's being offered here, is it?

The strangest thing about the ad to me? The specificity: Must be Pentium 4 or better?? The Pentium 4 chip was introduced in 2000! I mean, this is silicon valley--computers with Pentium 4 chips are probably being left on the curb on an hourly basis. Have some self-respect--at least ask for a Core Duo!