Monday, September 10, 2007

Free liquor!

Today two different ads came up giving away free liquor. First:
Long story-

My just-out-of-college former roommate bought a 12 pack of various flavors of Smirnoff Ice for a housewarming party at our place. His said "Girls might want to drink it." Note that I'm a girl, 28, and I hate alcopops. And all my friends, male and female, hate them. Needless to say they were not consumed at the party.

These fruity nightmares hung around my house for months, even after my roomie moved out. I was never once tempted to drink them. I brought them into work. Even though I work with a few lightweight engineers, even THEY won't drink them. I'm still stuck with the sickly-sweet dozen.

Someone please free me of these monstrosities. I won't judge you, except I fear that if I'm giving away alcohol, I'm obliged to check ID. Please come to our office, provide me with an unfaked ID showing your real birthdate before September 1986, and these babies are yours.

...Jesus, I feel old - September 1986??

And then, later in the day, this one:
I have three boxes (about 45 bottles) of random hard liquor that I'm not going to drink. I don't want to sell it, I just want it to be enjoyed by someone.

I had a lark to build up a large home bar, but as I learned more about what I like to mix and drink I realized my terrible mistake. The Aviation is an excellent drink. Gorilla Snot #2 isn't. That half gallon of Goldschalger? Not such a good idea. It does make a nice sno-globe. Blue curacao would be great if I liked Blue Hawaiians, but I don't. You get the idea.

I'd like to get rid of it soon and you must agree to take all of it. I'm right next to Stanford. You will have to pick it up, obviously. You also should not be a minor. I don't care how you plan to convince your Mom to drive you over; little tikes will need to figure another way to stunt their growth. When I was a young boy I had to get my liquor the old-fashioned way: by paying double the retail price to my shady friend's cousin.

Students be given preference as I was in college when I acquired most of this stuff. Tell me why you are most deserving of this motley assortment of booze and it's yours. If words are not your strong suit, feel free to send a picture of your last good party as a testament to the many thirsty people you know. If you send me a cock shot, by god are you not getting any free liquor.

Do these people not have drains like everyone else? It seems that the free lists out here basically function as a giant communal trash receptacle.

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